Hiccups

I hate hiccups. There are not sufficient words in any language I know to describe their level of caused annoyance and frustration. It would be one thing if it were only annoyance and frustration. And even the embarrassment one feels, knowing your co-workers are aware of your hiccups (as they are not just loud, but also visibly shaking you as you try to make soup).

But do they have to be painful?

Do they really?

Do they have to rend your asophagus and throat to shreds every 20 seconds or less?

Do they have to sometimes make you feel like you're going to vomit up a lung at the most incovenient moment?

I swear, any so-called "intelligent designer" who would either allow this flaw to exist (or not fix it immediately) is either stupid, cruel or lazy. Or on drugs. And I don't condone drug-use on general principle.

Does anyone else have this problem with painful hiccups, or am I really some kind of freak? I mean, I don't even have wisdom teeth. At all. I think I've evolved beyond them, or something.

The annoyance, frustration and embarrassment I can handle. Or at least I remember handling them better when I was younger (and didn't have a job, with people who'd notice). But the pain is nearly enough to make me snap and scream and hiss and spit and attempt to do intense physical harm to everyone and/or everything in the general vicinity.

Not that I would. But it's gotten to the point where I should probably see my doctor. And I HATE having to do that unless it's absolutely necessary.

So, if I didn't before (and I can't say if I remember), I now officially hate hiccups.

About Work

Okay, I admit it - I have aspirations to be a writer, like Mark Twain or F. Scott Fitzgerald. I dislike my job, and would love nothing more than to switch to writing full-time, making my own hours, buying a nice big house in the suburbs for myself (and maybe my future dogs) and doing nothing but write, read and watch TV or Netflix DVDs.

And maybe play video games, once the Playstation 3 gets its backwards-compatible bugs worked out.

But I cannot afford said house in the suburbs, or any future dogs. Or a Playstation 1, let alone a Playstation 3.

And so I work. And I deal.

And life goes on, and part of me dies a little. But at least I have not given in to sloth.

Coffee is overrated

Making coffee for work is not the highlight of my day. I can't stand the smell. It smells stale and moldy. It gets little brown flecks of stuff everywhere. It's gross. I only make it because I've been asked to - and it's part of my job, and my boss expects me to do it.

I don't like it.

I'm more of a tea person. Earl Grey. Kava kava. Green tea. Nice clean tea in neat little bags, in hot purified water. I prefer tea, because I'm twitchy and erratic enough as it is--especially in the mornings--and I need something to calm me down. I just know that if I were to try coffee, I would tweek out or something. And that would be horribly awkward, and my boss would have to apologize and explain to our clients that I don't handle coffee very well.

And that's never a good enough explanation when you're power-walking around in circles, buzzing like a bee and pretending to talk to George Elliot about the evils of the owning class.

About Poms

I heard once that most breeds of toy dogs were supposedly bred to resemble human infants. My source (whose name I honestly can't remember) cited the qualities of pomeranians (small cradle-able body-type, apparently over-sized head, large eyes in relation to its head, soft fur you can't help petting) as an example of the baby-like qualities that might very well appeal to young children and older women. Or people who want something cute, but won't grow up and learn to talk back.

Said my source, "I don't care if you like children or not. Just look at a Pom's cute little face and tell me you don't want to pet it. You can't, can you?"

I will admit that you couldn't get me to touch a baby with a ten-foot pole. I am not a baby-fan in the slightest. But I'm more than willing to cuddle a pomeranian in broad daylight and not feel ashamed of myself. Provided, of course, it wouldn't bark at me and try to nip me with its tiny mouth full of teeth.

Experiment

Now that everything appears to be in working order, here's what I propose.

I've heard a few complaints about the lack of enlightening and funny blogs. I don't know if this problem is widespread. If it is, I've generated a list of things that will no doubt be discussed in my blog in the future - and I'm willing to take requests (although I cannot guarantee that everything I write will be simultaneously enlightening and funny, I will try for both nonetheless). Here's what you might expect from me thus far (provided it's acceptable for me to talk about them without getting sued, or something):

-Reviews (films, TV, theater, dinners, etc.)
-Ranting
-Current events (political and entertainment-related, as those two tend to coincide)
-Ranting
-Confused musings (food, fashion, dogs, rabbits, snakes, wild-card/random, etc.)
-Did I mention ranting?

I'm a bit paranoid, so I won't be going into the express details of my personal/professional life unless it's absolutely necessary (and even then, names, places, and other such things will be withheld). I will say for now that I am a recent college graduate with a degree in English, so I will do my best to offer decent grammar, proper punctuation and correct spelling.

Whatever that's worth these days.

Here's hoping this little experiment works,
BlueHotRage